


Miscalculations

by LylaRivers



Series: Botany [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 22:50:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2287370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LylaRivers/pseuds/LylaRivers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim feels badly after a mission gone wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miscalculations

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is part of a larger collection of works I wrote a long time ago. I will be posting them slowly as I go through and edit them. This was the "drabble" that started a universe I call the "Botany!verse" (so named because that's the start of everything, in Botany). It also kept it different from other 'first time' Spirk stories I've written- and I've written a few. However, the "Botany" title has no relation to much of anything that happens.  
> Enjoy!

It was after a particularly grueling and casualty-heavy mission that Jim Kirk found himself sitting on a bench in botany, head in his hands. Of the party of 15 crew members who had beamed down to the planet, only 5 had returned alive. None of the 5 survivors had escaped unscathed - Jim himself had a massive burn all down his back and multiple cuts along his arms. After shoving his tricorder all around, and jamming a few hypos in his neck, Bones had declared him fit enough to leave sickbay, but had not cleared him for duty. Bones had also said that at least two of his men had severe injuries, and one might not make it at all.

So, Jim had himself at least a day in which to kick around his quarters in frustration - which was ultimately what had led him to steal out of his quarters to this bench. Better to hide from Bones out here and blame himself, in a less familiar environment, than somewhere he had to sleep every night for the next four years.

Jim blamed himself for the harm that had come to his crew. TWO THIRDS of his original party hadn't made it back, which was a terrible ratio. Any deaths were devastating - particularly on a supposedly peaceful planet. There never should have been a bomb. The negotiations should have been fairly simple, except for the small sect of discontents less than thrilled with attempts to join the Federation.

If only information hadn't been suppressed! Jim berated and cursed himself for not even anticipating the possibility of militant malcontents. He couldn't help but think others would have foreseen the possibility and been ready. He was too obsessed with his own fame and ego - he has assumed because it was the 'famous James T. Kirk' things would go over well. How wrong he'd been.

Would someone else be better off taking his place? Maybe Admiral Pike was wrong. Maybe the older Ambassador Spock was wrong.

Without warning, Jim feels wetness trickle down his face. It hurts to think that Spock - any version of Spock - was wrong about him. That both of their trust in him had been misplaced. That anyone's trust in him had been misplaced.

His own words haunted him - 'I don't believe in no-win scenarios.' The events of the past year had certainly proved him wrong, hadn't they? If the fiasco with Khan hadn't been no-win, he no longer knew how to win anymore. No matter the fact that Khan had been refrozen, Pike was still dead, Marcus had still been a traitor and dead, and there were still so many lives lost. Why had he been more deserving than any of the other casualties of a second chance? And certainly, today had no redeeming factors. The tears started to flow faster.

"Captain?" a familiar voice asks. Jim looks up and immediately ducks his head again. Standing there is Spock - as if Jim's earlier thoughts had conjured him. "Captain, is all well?" Spock asks.

"Just fine, Spock," Jim lies. It's fairly obvious evidence to the contrary, but Jim doesn't want to deal with Spock right now.

Instead of leaving, as Jim had hoped, Spock sits next to him. "Given your current state, I do not believe this is an entirely accurate statement," Spock says.  "Why do you try to hide what is evident from your face and body language?"

"Fine. Go away, Spock," Jim mutters half-heartedly. "Satisfied? Better answer?"

"Not really, Captain. Doctor McCoy asked me to check on you when he noticed you were no longer in your quarters, resting, as per his orders." Spock stares at him, gaze even and evaluating.

"That sneaky bastard," Jim mutters. "He's been watching me the whole time? Doesn't he have better things to do? Surely he has patients that require more care, like Hendriks. Bones told me he wasn't even sure if he would pull through." Spock is silent. He looks discomforted - if Vulcans even had that capability. "Spock. What happened?" Jim asks, finally looking up.

"Ensign Hendriks died of his injuries, Captain," Spock reports slowly, voice dead calm.

"DAMMIT!!! WHY DIDN'T BONES TELL ME?" Jim shouts.

"He was sure you would take it badly, and re-injure yourself," Spock replies, still calm.

"Take it badly? TAKE IT BADLY? THE HELL I AM! AND SCREW RE-INJURING MYSELF! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO MY CREW MEMBERS!" Jim screams, jumping up from the bench.  He begins to pace angrily.

"Captain, please calm down," Spock says.

"Calm? CALM? Do you not understand? ELEVEN crew members are now dead because I'm a goddamn IDIOT!" Jim snarls.

"You are hardly an idiot, Jim." Slowly, Spock stands up, crossing over to him. "It was an honest miscalculation. Anyone could have made the same error, given the lack of information. There was no data that such an occurrence was likely. Do not berate yourself so. The rest of your crew needs you to remain calm and in control." Then, barely in a whisper, Spock adds, "I need you to be calm and in control."

More than anything else, it's Spock's use of his nickname that calms Jim down. Jim can't deny, even at his most furious, how attracted he is to his First Officer. Still, despite Spock and Uhura having been broken up for almost 6 months, Jim hasn't been brave enough to act on anything. That last line of Spock's little monologue makes him think it's time to make a move.  Still, he questions a lot of things about this.

"Why me? Don't you ever think you could do a better job? Be better for the crew and ship? That Pike was right the first time around?" Jim whispers, feeling his eyes well up again.

Surprisingly, Spock grabs Jim's shoulders. "Never doubt you are the right man for this job. And never doubt my trust in you."

That does it. With those two simple sentences, Jim is sent over the edge, sobbing helplessly. Gently, as if unsure exactly what he's doing, Spock wraps his arms around the captain.

"Sorry..." Jim hiccups.

"It is alright, Jim," Spock whispers.

When Jim pulls away, he finds he is no longer capable of crying. He also notices a large damp spot on Spock's shirt. "Sorry," he mutters again.

Spock considers him carefully. Jim starts to worry - has he violated some inscrutable Vulcan tradition?

"There is no need to be sorry, Jim," Spock says. He closes the gap between them in one long step, and wipes the wet streaks from Jim's eyes. Jim feels all the air leave his body in a rush at that light touch.

The two of them stare at each other for what seems to be an eternity. There's something Jim can't quite put his finger on in Spock's steady gaze. They're practically nose to nose - there can't be more than a few centimeters of space between them.

Jim wouldn't be able to explain exactly what made him do it, but he leans up slightly to press a soft kiss to Spock's lips. The next thing he knows, Spock's stronger-than-human arms are wrapped around him tightly. They're kissing like there's no tomorrow. It might possibly be the best experience of Jim's life, except -

"Spock?" Jim gasps.

"Yes Jim?" Spock responds.

"You're squeezing my burns," Jim whispers, wincing.

Spock lets go abruptly. "My apologies."

Jim chickles, glad of an opportunity to turn Spock's words back on him. "There is no need to be sorry, Spock," he whispers. He kisses Spock gently once more. "I'm feeling much better now."

 

 


End file.
